To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
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My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
yall want some gasoline milk
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real