Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
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If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.