2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
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My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.