Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
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Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
White parent Vs Arab parents
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
NASA has no chill
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated