officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
You Might Also Like
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it鈥檚 sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
INVENTOR: it鈥檚 a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 馃ぃ”
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who鈥檚 on her phone again.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i鈥檒l make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I’d … I’d rather not.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.