When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
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Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
why no one uses midhusbands
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.