Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.