I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
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Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.