last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
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*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.