My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
You Might Also Like
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges