In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
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I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Hotels are back
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art