Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
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Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
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okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”