Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
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Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
beware of dog
(jukin media)
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned