I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
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Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I’m not proud
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag