Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
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3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
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You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I bet birds love this building.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink