TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
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Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is