My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
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One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
For those that worship cheese..
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.