If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
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Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27