I camp so other people don’t have to.
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*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
馃幎 Hummus a tune you鈥檙e the falafel man 馃幎
It appears that children鈥檚 bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Aladdin: 馃幎I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.