I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
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Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…