“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
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Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
set yourself free xox
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Netflix and you sit over there.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
also my go-to takeaway order