Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
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[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.