Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
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[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Well, shit
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
A classic…
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”