1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
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I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
The booster protects against what, now?
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.