*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
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A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I gave up going to work for lent.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!