I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
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Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.