Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
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*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this