me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
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The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby