I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
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I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.