Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
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When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!