convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
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The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this