[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
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I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
dam girl
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”