ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
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sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Happy birthday to all the women
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.