Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
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*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.