My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
You Might Also Like
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats