Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
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Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager