I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
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Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.