Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
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Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Battery falling down a hole
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns