The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
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I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
*skinny dips into black hole
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.