Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
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Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Living the best life.. 😊
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay