my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
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ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Admin smashed it 😂
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.