Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
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Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Finally, an explanation.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.