[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
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Cucumbers Anonymous
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”