I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
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4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?