Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
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*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?