Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
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So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous