Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
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INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.