Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
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me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”