“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
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I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”