i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
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[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir